Over the last six months or so I have faced a perfect storm of stressful situations and knock backs that have had a pretty disastrous impact on both my mental and physical health. I have fought to stay in full time work for several months despite the protestations of friends, family, my GP and my mental health team. But if you know me you will know I am someone that will go out of my way to do what they’ve been told they probably can’t. It’s not something I wanted, to have to walk away, especially from something like Buddy which is such an incredible social business but I am grateful that the decision was finally taken out of my hands.
I am really sorry that over the last few months I have withdrawn a lot from the people that care about me. I still can’t talk about the nature of the stresses that have led to this relapse for various reasons, mostly that it’s not my story to tell. But needless to say the last 6 months have been incredibly stressful. If you have seen me in person you will know that I am very unwell as a consequence of what has been going on – If you haven’t seen me you may have picked up this from the few pictures of me I’ve posted (I desperately don’t want to trigger any of you and even I can see I look like a walking bag of bones right now).
I am lucky to have an incredible family, partner, friends and mental health team and GP. My family have banned me from seeking paid employment until the new year at the earliest and will support me in the meantime and my GP and team are closely monitoring my physical and mental health (3.5 hours of therapy a week, monthly GP and blood tests which may come to fortnightly blood tests if my health declines any further.
I will be doing some sessional work and blogging in the meantime as doing nothing is detrimental to my health too but I will be taking the next few months to try and rebuild my shattered body and mind, take up yoga and see my friends and family more – basically practising what I preach and doing some self care.
So essentially I am actually not completely devastated to be unemployed which is what I expected. Last night I slept for 12 straight hours which is the longest I have managed in months. I no longer have the stress of the job and after 6 years I am finally going to have a break longer than 2 weeks (yes the last time I had an actual relaxing break was 2009).
I am just sorry I couldn’t tell you all sooner, I’ve hated lying to you or dodging the truth hence withdrawing.
Particular and undying gratitude to my partner Ryan for his seemingly endless patience and love, to my brother James for getting angry with and for me, Amy-Louise Murray for trying to talk some sense into me when my brain has been less than rational and Kat Pugh and Kenny Johnston of CLASP for never giving up on me.
So there we have it. I’m free for sporadic bits of work like blogs and sessional work but otherwise I will be taking it a lot easier, which I’m sure a lot of you are pretty relieved about.